GPSC 011: On Jealousy, and a rant on Male Entitlement – The Gentleperverts’ Social Club

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We all know that as non-monogamous perverts, we’re completely above jealousy. It’s 100% full-time compersion up in here!  Except we’re not, and it’s not. Jealousy affects all our relationships for so many different reasons. Different people and situations trigger jealousy bombs in sometimes unexpected ways.

@wetcoastkat and @seriousFLICK discuss jealousy in many of its iterations, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, why some people cause you to Hulk out while others might inspire giddy compersion rainbows and why rules don’t always work in the shadow of their coming out and their trip to Desire. They also discuss what they have done to decrease the harm jealousy can do in their open relationship.

You can find WetCoastCat at www.lifeontheswingset.com/author/kat/ and on twitter @wetcoastkat. You can find Flick on twitter @seriousFLICK.

 

Hey Perverts, Dylan here…

I had this insane conversation with a dude, just earlier today, someone who was complaining that women get to do men don’t do. “It’s just like reverse racism!” “See? Women have it better.” And the thing is… I get it. I get where that might come from, sometimes things seem unfair, especially to men, men who have been taught they need to earn a woman’s affection meaning, if they just show enough devotion, put in enough effort, and demonstrate they can provide, and any woman out there worth anything should want to be with them.

Men have been taught to worship women and to work themselves to the bone for someone so they don’t have to. I get it.

We’ve been setup to sacrifice ourselves for someone else, someone else who wants us to sacrifice for them and who will show us their eternal appreciation by opening their hearts, their minds and yes… their legs. I. Get. It.

But that’s the thing, we’ve been setup, by the men and women in our lives, by our parents, by our cultures, by the people we’ve cared about our entire lives because they didn’t know any better. We’ve been set-up to feel like if someone doesn’t want that they’re ungrateful.

It’s insidious, and it does us nothing but harm and it sets us up to get left at the doorstep when we walk someone home or get left without a drinking partner when we buy someone a few drinks or don’t get a thank you when we hold a door open or when we don’t get brought home when we buy someone dinner, because we –expect something- based on what we put out.

We’ve been set up.

Thing is, women have been setup too, we’ve all been setup, and the more people figure it out, the more the people who haven’t figured it out get angry because we’re not getting what we’re supposed to, because the world has changed and women faster than men are changing meaning we’re getting left behind, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

If you’re listening to this and connecting to any of the frustrations I laid out above then know there’s a better way. Many women don’t need or want us to lay down our lives for them, they don’t want to be put on a pedestal and worshiped, they don’t want to be provided for… they just want to be people, and move with people that understand no one owes anyone anything… and that means us. If we want to be with someone, be with women, and be listened to, friends with, cared for, and loved by women, it needs to be a meeting of equals and a mutual meeting of minds, meeting of hearts, and yes… a mutual meeting of bodies.

And if you don’t get that, know this.

Women don’t give a fuck what you think or what you want, because they don’t have to, because giving a fuck… That… is something you have to earn.

Check out these articles by Rafaella Gunz about her experiences seeking support in STI communities and… being hit with men feeling like she’s open for business, and being hit with men and women hitting her with “it’s just benign, it’s just harassment, deal with it”.

Take a few minutes to read, even if you decide not to agree with all of us, understand where she’s coming from and where women come from every day.

http://www.guerrillafeminism.org/male-entitlement-lives-even-in-sti-support-communities-rafaella-gunz

http://www.guerrillafeminism.org/internalized-misogyny-lives-even-in-sti-support-communities-rafaella-gunz/

 

Thanks for letting me rant a little, and to honor the fact that this will be my very last rant of 2015 I’ll close out by telling you that all of this was recorded at The Gentleperverts’ Social club, population, all of us. You can find more Gentleperverts’ Social Club podcasts every month at www.gentleperverts.com and discuss our latest episodes and topics on twitter with @GentlePerverts and me @DylanTheThomas. You can find me, Dylan Thomas, on FacebookSpotify and Fetlife as DylanTheThomas. If you have a submission, a story, a signal boost request, or an idea for a topic send that over to me at dylan@lifeontheswingset.com. If you like having me record live and on location, throw me a buck or two at tip.gentleperverts.com.

See you all next time, and stay warm.

 

Tonight we featured tracks by Stephen Walking and Tristam, titled: Too Simple, and by Muzzy & Day One titled: Black Magic.

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2 Comments

  1. This podcast was so perfect for me. Thanks for being open about your raw jealous feelings and not trying to hide behind your open relationship status and creed of “compersion”. I struggle with wondering if dealing with jealousy is worth it and if I should continue to put myself out there and be vulnerable to those feelings and the rift it does cause between me and my husband at times or if I should “protect” myself and only put myself in situations I don’t have reactions to (in my case when its same room swinging I’m good but when its separate play/relationships I have a hard time). I’ve done both in our 19 years of non-monogamous marriage and honestly still don’t know the answer. The struggle is real!! lol My goal is to find the solution that strengthens our marriage and helps me mature as an individual.

  2. Thanks so much for your comment. It is very difficult.

    I always go back to figuring out what is missing. When I get jealous there is always some underlying need that isn’t getting met and when I solve for that, I don’t feel so jealous. Clearly there’s a need being met in same room play that isn’t in separate. See if you can suss out what it is and can get that need met in another way, you might feel more secure in separate playtimes.

    It’s also okay to accept where you are and work with that. I know I’m always trying to stretch my limits and it isn’t always what I truly need.

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