Out With the Old, In With the New? Old Standbys vs New Experiences


Out With the Old, In With the New? Old Standbys vs New ExperiencesSo, I’ve returned from yet another Lifestyle takeover event as a unicorn. This time, yes, my friends were there, and although I didn’t meet too many new people, I mostly managed to find a good balance between roaming solo and hanging with my “crew.” I had a good time, not an amazing one, but that is due to no one but myself- my head and heart weren’t entirely into it, as I had expected to attend this event with a date, and I was still feeling bruised from being “ghosted” by him. (See “Negative, Ghost Rider”). Nonetheless, I persevered and made the best of the situation. Having a room to myself was a rare luxury, and I enjoyed the freedom of not being accountable to anyone.

During the course of the weekend, however, I heard a reoccurring refrain from a number of people. When speaking about people or couples with whom they’d played previously (whether at a previous event or during the course of the weekend), I’d hear things like, “Yeah, it was fun, but we already had sex with them, so we didn’t want to do it again.” “Well, the weekend was okay, but we didn’t get to play with anyone new, so that kind of sucked.” “Yeah, they were good, but we were with them on Friday, so we were looking for something else on Saturday.”

Hearing all of these comments, I felt like I was missing something, an unspoken rule of sorts. Were most people solely in the market for new and novel experiences? Was sticking with something tried and true passé? I pondered it a bit more. I definitely had my “favorites” – people who I don’t get to see often but corresponded with regularly. These events were great opportunities to reconnect and spend a bit of “quality time” together with them. Just like my favorite ice cream, I knew that they would be pleasurable experiences, I knew exactly what to expect (well, one experience was a bit of a surprise- but a good one!), and I knew that I’d walk away feeling satisfied. But was that enough? Was I missing an unknown thrill only obtainable by venturing out and trying something (or someone) new?

A bit of an aside… This weekend was a bit different for me, as I actually introduced a couple to their first Lifestyle party and experiences. Yes, I guess I’ve somehow become an LS Sherpa, so to speak. They were a bit nervous, but took to the party and the LS scene like ducks to water, and I think they’ll be at many future events. Again, we had our fun, but by the second day, I started to worry that I was cramping their style or hindering them from having new experiences or meeting other people beyond the ones I’d introduced them to. I asked them about it, and told them that my feelings would not be hurt if they wanted to roam on their own, but they said they were fine and having fun hanging with me (I also think that they enjoyed having a tour guide to introduce them to people). I was flattered and I was totally good with it- they were both very attractive (the woman was flat out gorgeous and got attention just by walking through a room), the man was handsome and nice, although somewhat quiet, and they had cool personalities. However, the wild unicorn in me kind of wanted to roam alone for a bit and couldn’t figure out how to say that without fearing that they’d feel like I was ditching them or didn’t enjoy their company. So, I didn’t say anything and let it ride (heh, heh). Again, I had a blast, but there kind of was that feeling that maybe I was missing out on something new and exciting.

I think that may be the pressing question- do you stick with the tried and true, or is the thrill of the new, the exciting, the unknown better, and more desirable, especially at events like takeovers? On the one hand, by sticking with something you’ve done before and enjoyed, you know you’re going to have a fun time, but it may become a bit routine, especially after several times with the same people. When seeking something new, however, there is the risk that it could be a bust- a bad experience. Would the thrill of the newness be enough to override any awkwardness?

The “slut shaming” part of me has a little trouble with going out and seeking a lot of new experiences. I don’t want to be seen as a “sport fucker,” and I try to be relatively private and discreet about my encounters (despite writing this blog- yes, I recognize the irony), so being known as someone who does a lot of things with a lot of people definitely doesn’t appeal to me, even in a LS context. I also worry about being seen as just a notch on someone else’s belt, just a new experience to be discarded after using, like a disposable fork. I don’t want people to look at me and say, “oh yeah, I had Devin,” as if they were checking me off of an LS list. As someone who values the emotional connections with people just as much as the physical, the “one and done” philosophy scares me a bit.

That being said, I definitely understand the appeal of novelty and the unknown. Heck, I’m the chick who tries every new flavor of potato chip and Oreo cookie. So at times, I wish I could push past these internally set boundaries to do a little more exploration. Looking at the big picture, I think that I have, but just with baby steps. Heck, looking back to where I was a year ago, I’d say that I’d made pretty remarkable strides, just maybe not at the same pace as others.

And there’s no right answer in this, I don’t think. Everyone does what appeals to them on any given day, whether it is new and novel or tried and true. And just like ice cream, whatever flavor you pick will probably be delicious- or at least better than nothing at all .


About Author

Devin has navigated her way through the lifestyle as both a married and single woman. She seeks to quiet the slut-shaming voices in her head, be present in the moment, and push her boundaries, all in the throes of friendship, community, relationships, and love... With a little submission for good measure.

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