The Cheese Stands Alone- Solo Roaming in the Lifestyle

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The Cheese Stands Alone- Solo Roaming in the LifestyleWell, I’m back to unicorn status. Some days, I don’t mind it too much, but I definitely still am looking for my “Stallion”- my partner in all of this who values me more than the LS. OSI continues to flirt with me, seeking my attention, which while I appreciate, I can’t stand idly by while he vacillates between whether he made the right decision by going back to his vanilla ex-girlfriend or still wants to pursue things with me. But, again, we are on friendly terms, and I don’t begrudge his happiness, even though the whole thing mildly annoyed me once I’d gotten past the hurt feelings of our split.

However, one thing that still loomed was our scheduled upcoming trip to a LS takeover event in another state. Obviously, now that OSI was in a vanilla relationship, he couldn’t go, but I was still debating about whether I wanted to, and if I did, how would I make that happen. I’d purchased the tickets to the event, but he’d reserved the hotel room. I didn’t think I could get the cost of the tickets refunded, so I was just out of that money. I didn’t want to spend money on reserving a hotel room all to myself, though. So, I was at an impasse, and it seemed as though all signs were pointing to just staying at home and licking my wounds.

Those signs changed two days before the scheduled trip, when I saw a Facebook post asking if there were any single girls who wanted to split a room with another unicorn. I rapidly hopped on it, spoke to the girl, and by Thursday afternoon, it looked as though I was going to be taking a solo road trip to attend the weekend festivities. I was scared and nervous, but really excited.

Although I could say that I’d been to LS weekend takeovers and even attended a few as a unicorn, this would be the first time that I’d gone completely solo- without friends to accompany me, a date, or anyone to serve as a safety net. Heck, I’d be driving alone for 4 hours each way- I hadn’t done that for almost 10 years!

As I was basking in my excitement, I got word that the “ex” (The ex LS guy who’d befriended PS, not my ex husband) was going to be attending the takeover. Ugh… Again, no hard feelings, but I really didn’t want to be around him this weekend either. It did give me pause for a bit, and I wondered if I should rethink the trip, but after talking to some friends, I decided that it wasn’t that big of a deal- there’d be tons of people there, and although we may cross paths, I’d just say hi and keep it moving. This would also be a good exercise in setting my boundaries and sticking to them.

I packed up the car early Friday morning and hit the road. Sexy outfits, snacks, liquor, sports drinks, mixers, energy drinks, condoms, cups, ice, lube… I was prepared for anything! The drive up was a little rough- an accident held up progress on the highway and put me about an hour behind schedule. I finally arrived, and wow! The resort was beautiful- gorgeous property, lovely rooms, and I was feeling better already. My roommate seemed nice, and the couple that she knew also was a lot of fun.

Without going into too many of the details of the trip (that would FAR surpass my word limit here), I had a blast! I saw tons of people who I already knew, met new people, got to wear my fun outfits, danced, drank, hung at the pool, and had my fair share of sexy time. Actually, way more than my fair share. In all honesty, I’d never played so much at ANY LS type event- maybe once at Hedonism, but that’s vacation, so it doesn’t count, right? And there was only one disappointing experience over the course of the weekend, no drama with the ex (he was actually very nice, and didn’t push us reconciling too much) so I can say that all in all, it was a win.

I actually couldn’t believe it, the freedom I’d given myself. Why did I allow all of this to happen this weekend? I’d had such a staunch rule in my head about not playing with people who I didn’t already know and at least had a friendly relationship with (in my defense, I did know one couple very well, and I’d met one guy at a previous event and we’d corresponded beforehand). Otherwise, though, it seemed like my rule went somewhat out of the window over the weekend. I didn’t attend this event with the intention to play- I always vote fun over f*ck (see “What Comes First, the F*ck or the Fun?), so this was pretty astonishing to me.

On my drive back home, I pondered it a bit more. I think that there were a few things that came into play that allowed me to be so liberated. One, I do think (okay, I know), that the “breakup” with OSI was still in the back of my mind, so I’m sure that I had a little “so, there!” in my head, causing me to do more than I might usually. But of course, all of this wasn’t about some sort of imagined payback or retribution. Heck, he wasn’t even a conscious thought for most of the weekend…well, except when I watched the videos he and I made together, and my cute unicorn roommate asked what I was watching, then got into bed with me, and then… Ooops! Anyway, I wasn’t consciously thinking about him or getting back at him by being slutty this weekend.

So what was it? I think that traveling alone played a big role in my newfound ability to let down my guard some and temporarily toss aside my rule. Usually, when going to these things with friends, our group tends to stay together. The party becomes about us- hanging out, flirting, dancing, drinking, and *maybe,* if the stars align, playing with each other. We almost end up with tunnel vision- where we don’t see anyone else other than those our group. As a result, we don’t end up meeting many new people. Additionally, as a natural introvert, I tend to slink a bit into myself when I’m around my friends. They are very outgoing and energetic, so I often fade into the background and allow them to shine. I get nervous and shy and lack confidence. Roaming alone, however, I was forced to interact, to go up to people, to talk (and as a unicorn, really, most people approached me). It was a good thing, though. There was no tunnel vision, I just bounced around where I wanted and to whom I pleased. I liked it.

The other reason I was able to be “freer” also has to do with my friends. I do tend to still struggle with feelings of shame and guilt in all of this. Yeah, I am constantly “slut shaming” myself- I’m working on stopping that. And being around my friends in a LS setting tends to amplify that feeling. They are not judgmental people AT ALL. They are sweet, open-minded, and caring. But I definitely wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing all of the things I did with them around. I would feel judged for some reason. I don’t know why, but I would have. Being alone gave me the freedom to do what I wanted without feeling like anyone’s eyes were on me, without feeling any perceived judgment, without having to answer to anyone. It was a very different feeling, but a liberating one for sure.

So.. all that to say, I don’t think my rule is going to be so hard and fast moving forward. However, I also know that while I enjoy hanging with my friends at these events, I will also be roaming as a unicorn on my own too. And that’s not a bad thing.

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About Author

Devin has navigated her way through the lifestyle as both a married and single woman. She seeks to quiet the slut-shaming voices in her head, be present in the moment, and push her boundaries, all in the throes of friendship, community, relationships, and love... With a little submission for good measure.

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