What comes first, the f*ck or the fun?


What comes first, the f*ck or the fun?It’s been a few weeks since I stopped seeing the Potential Stallion (PS) and I’m in a very good place. He and I have settled into being vague text buddies, with no real hard feelings or awkwardness between us. After the first few days apart, I didn’t even miss him much, and although I still occasionally felt twinges of disappointment that things didn’t work out, I know that ending things was the right choice to protect my heart and my sanity.

It wasn’t as if I’d been living a life of celibacy and solitude since then, either. I’d gone on a couple of trips, one for business, one for pleasure, and those experiences definitely distracted me from any unpleasant thoughts or reminiscences of PS.

The pleasure trip was, of course, the more interesting one. I’d decided at the last minute to accompany a friend to a LS takeover in another city. While I had attended several takeovers in my city in the past, and even vacationed at adult resorts, this would be the first time I’d gone to an out of town “takeover” for an entire weekend, Thursday through Sunday. Now that I was back to unicorn status, I wasn’t sure how things would fare for me.

Overall, I had no need to worry. I had a really good time. I saw couples from past events, everyone was very nice to me, and I even had soft-swap sexy fun with a couple I met with PS previously (do you remember the couple that seemed tied to another in “Party Time, Excellent?“). It was such a great surprise and treat to have seen them, and they were wonderful in every way. I have to admit, I did feel vindicated and had a moment where I thought “Ha, so there!” regarding PS after I finished my fun and frolic with them. If he’d played his cards right, we might have shared in that experience together. Yes, I know… somewhat juvenile, but still.

Probably the highlight of the weekend, though, was that I met a fantastic guy, one of the rare exceptions to the “no single guys” rule, who was the perfect “weekend boyfriend.” We’d begun chatting the week prior, having met through one of those “private” Facebook groups, and we seemed to hit it off. In person, he was just as great as his online persona- cute, attentive, sweet, gentlemanly, and awesome in bed. Uh… Did I say awesome in bed? Cause… Yeah. Even though it could have been an act, he seemed totally into me. It was perfect.

One of the best, and most remarkable things about him and our weekend experience was that he didn’t pressure me/us to have experiences with other couples or women. There really didn’t seem to be any expectation for that, at least not then. From what he told me, he was pretty selective when it came to picking partners for play situations, and said he was more about having fun, meeting great people, building friendships, and if anything happened, then it was just a bonus- icing on the cake. Exactly like me. In ways, it was a little bittersweet, because I remember thinking, “wow, this guy has almost the same attitude about the LS as I do! This is what I wanted to find in a “stallion.” But of course, as fate would have it, he lives in another state. I tried to enjoy the moment without overthinking what would happen next with us, if anything. Difficult for me, but I didn’t let it put a damper on our fun.

However, not everyone has the same attitude when it comes to the LS, and especially to takeovers, which brings me to the title of this piece- which comes first, the fuck or the fun? Which is the priority? This event in particular seemed like many (most?) people set out and attended with the express intention of having sex and hooking up as much as possible, and if there was fun to be had as well, that would be a bonus. Overall, people seemed much more overt and “in your face” with their advances, and there was much more public sex than I was accustomed to.

I am the opposite in my attitude, with my intentions in attending these things being to have lots of fun, and if sex happened, then that would be the bonus. Especially now as a unicorn, I tend to be a bit more cautious and tentative when I meet people. I generally didn’t want to play with someone I just met for the first time, or at least hadn’t had a conversation with before. The idea of random sex, unless it was just utterly amazing and unbelievable chemistry, was unappealing to me. I was now one of those girls who didn’t f*ck on the first date, I guess. At least not at the first conversation.

However, I don’t think that I was always that way. I remember when I was married, going to LS parties with the express desire and intention of playing with women, (or on rare occasions, if the stars aligned, a couple) and coming home disappointed if that didn’t occur. I don’t remember exactly when my shift in thinking happened, but I do remember having much more fun and being much less disappointed when I adopted the “just have fun, and whatever else happens is just icing” attitude.

In defense of the “fuck over fun” perspective, I guess at its core, the LS is about sex, right? This attitude says that fun can be found mostly anywhere, but the LS is a sexual outlet, one where we know that at events (most) people are there for the same thing. And why would people spend that kind of money on party tickets, hotel rooms, costumes, and alcohol, if “getting some” wasn’t at least in the back of their minds, if not the forefront? For them, these events may be about meeting (and having sex with) new people, not the same people they could engage with in their hometowns every weekend. Some people go to only one or two “events” per year, and see them as their only opportunity to engage in LS fun (sex), and if it doesn’t happen, it’s a disappointing loss, almost a waste of time for them.

I don’t think that there is any “right” answer, simply a difference in perspective and intention. Luckily, most people are respectful enough to accept “no thank you” or intuitive enough to realize when attitudes and desires don’t align and move along with no hard feelings. Thankfully, no one came out and said to me “So why are you here, if you’re not gonna have sex with other people??” I expressly remember hearing that at another party and being pretty annoyed by it. Am I not allowed to just enjoy the sexy atmosphere and vibe of a party without being “required” to play?

So… I leave you with two important questions:

1) Which one is more important to you in the LS? Fun or sex?

2) What acronym or nickname should I give to this new potential contender?? We’ve been talking daily since the event and have a trip to see each other planned.

-PLD (potential long distance)?

-PS2 (that sounds like the gaming system, and I think he should have his own acronym anyway)?

OSI (out of state interest)?

Help me think of one!

….till our next installment



About Author

Devin has navigated her way through the lifestyle as both a married and single woman. She seeks to quiet the slut-shaming voices in her head, be present in the moment, and push her boundaries, all in the throes of friendship, community, relationships, and love... With a little submission for good measure.