Hey, Jealousy…Piss Off! – Eliminating Jealousy As Swingers

This article originally appeared at Eden Cafe.

Here’s the big question…is it possible that jealousy is a choice?

I very rarely get jealous. When I do, it’s not for reasons that most of America gets jealous. I’ve watched my wife with another man. Sexually. And flirting, conversation, these personal intimate moments that would drive most people crazy. But for me there’s very little.

When we first started swinging, the first time I saw her with someone else, it struck me how not jealous I was. That concerned me for a tic. Why aren’t I jealous? What’s wrong with this situation? (Luckily I didn’t dwell on this long, as a certain beautiful curly haired girl was vying for my attention…) It came back to me later, as I sat in the aftermath, thinking about the evening, our first evening in a brave new world. This question, why wasn’t I jealous, and what did that mean?

Why does it have to mean anything? My lack of jealousy was not a commentary on my relationship and the quality inherent (or lack thereof) in it. It just was. Then, a month after we joined the lifestyle, at a party, Marilyn got all sorts of attention and I got none. The jealousy came in waves. Sweet blind rage jealousy. The “get your stuff, we’re leaving” kind. The silent treatment in the car kind. Oh yes, jealousy, there you were. I wasn’t broken. I did have feelings, I did care, clearly. But, aha, this jealousy wasn’t about that, it was petty, childish…this was because Cooper didn’t have fun, and Marilyn did.

So I thought about that a good deal. What she did. Who she was with. Neither of these things bothered me. In the least. So this was the night I began to realize how high my trust level with her was. I began to realize that trust is like an antidote. Trust and confidence. As I began to become more confident in myself, my sexual abilities, my emotional availability. I began to be less and less concerned about these things that might “make one jealous.”

Since then, I really haven’t felt it. The jealousy. An occasional pang here and there perhaps. Marilyn and I do things that many swingers don’t, as well. We’ve gone on separate dates with friends. We have no issue with separate rooms. We have a comfort level that I still marvel at and am impressed with myself. This isn’t about bragging here, it’s because I really have come to believe that jealousy can be moderated, muted. It’s not about repression either.

I’m not suggesting that if you feel jealous you should bury that deep down inside, or grin and bare it. That would be like packing down the black powder. It may be more compact and less noticeable, but eventually that spark’s gonna set it off. (May not be a thing…don’t know anything about black powder ‘cept what they’ve done on Mythbusters.) What I think you can do, though, is when feeling that pang of jealousy, recognize that’s what it is. Once you do that, you can analyze it. That’s the hard part, of course. Pulling the handbrake on that surge of emotion and saying “what the fuck?” But that’s where it really is. It’s the exercise burn. You gotta get there to move beyond.

Because once it’s recognized, and you look deep down at it…well, I realized it was just leftover from high school and being left out. And that’s silly, isn’t it? I mean it’s a real emotion, and it’s something I felt, but I didn’t have to allow it. I didn’t have to go with it. At the last minute, instead, I made a sharp left turn and used that moment as a springboard for a discussion of our rules as a couple, something that was patently necessary. But the best thing about this recognition moment, is that you can decide what to do with it.

I know! It’s a rough suggestion. Jealousy is, like anger, an overwhelming emotion, one that sets up shop in the center of your brain and says: “Fuck it, I’m in charge!” But just as anger management can help you control anger, and as most of us have learned to control ours over the years, jealousy can also be controlled. Because, like anger, jealousy is based in fear. The difference is that, while we’ve been taught to control our anger, you know, take a breath, count to 10, we’ve been encouraged to nurture our jealousy.

It’s what TV shows are about. It’s what mainstream America wants us thinking about, building in our minds. Jealousy of gadgets, money, the sex we can’t have with the people we’re not with. Jealousy isn’t just encouraged, it’s the fucking American Way! The tide can be turned, however, the change can be made. I’ve seen it.

Jealousy is like fire, the less oxygen it gets, the smaller and smaller it gets, until it’s nothing more than a wick. And unlike those other emotions we’ve been taught to repress, killing the spark of jealousy won’t make us dead inside. It’s a wholly unnecessary emotion. It only causes pain. Never has someone said “Thank God I was jealous! It saved us all!” No, jealousy only becomes the beginning of the problem, or the catalyst, or the deciding factor in an issue that you clearly should sit and think on a bit, wait for calmer heads to prevail.

‘Cuz maybe, just maybe, it isn’t as bad as you thought. Maybe you were just being silly. Maybe, after all, you trust your partner completely. That she won’t run off with that guy she was flirting with at the bar, that he won’t suddenly feel that sex with you isn’t as good as sex with others. It’s trust, it’s confidence…it’s the road to compersion*.

(*Compersion – taking pleasure in those you care about having pleasure, but that’s a topic for another time)

About Cooper Beckett: Cooper Beckett's life isn't like other people's. When he's not writing or podcasting at Life on the Swingset, he's living it up with his wife Marilyn as evangelical swingers, spreading the good word that "sharing is caring." He truly believes that a good many people would be open to exploring the fringe of human sexuality, knocking down the borders between orientations, and experiencing the most basic of human rights: great sex, if only they were told it's okay to do so. He has resolved to change the world, even if it's only one couple at a time. Be his friend on Facebook – Follow him on Twitter