Spreading – Swinger Evangelism

This article originally appeared at Eden Cafe.

I grew up Catholic. Which I feel is the direct through-line to who I am today: someone who’s rebelled against the inherent nature of Catholicism, but mostly against the associated guilt. When my Catholic school, in fifth grade’s laughable sex ed curriculum said “If you masturbate, you go to hell…” they lost a follower. ‘Cuz I’d just discovered this awesome thing that my body could do. So telling me that I’m going to hell for that? Fuck ‘em.

Over twenty years later, I’m confident that if a Catholic hell exists I’ll be there to meet you all. Because let me tell you, I’ve done my fair share of coveting my neighbor’s wife. Of course, I’ve also fucked my neighbor’s wife, so…I guess there’s a special level of hell reserved for me. I mean, the masturbators get turned into trees and eaten by Harpies, so…

But that’s all miscellany. This is the curious case of Cooper and Marilyn who seeme to miss the shame that a lot of swingers feel, and see the potential for growth that a lot of swingers don’t. Shame? The swingers? Do tell… It’s not shame at what we’re doing, it’s knowledge that “they” wouldn’t understand. Substitute pretty much anything you’d like for the “they.” Your employers. Your family. Your friends. Your schoolboard. So these swingers, living with the shame, hide their true nature. This is a lifestyle that is pretty much still firmly in the closet, wedged somewhere in the back behind the garment bags.

For us it’s a little different. Our shame quotient is far lower for whatever reason. We decided as soon as we realized we weren’t just dabbling, we were changing our lifestyle, that we ought to tell our friends, so they wouldn’t find out from other people, so they’d understand why we weren’t around as much, so they’d feel like we weren’t keeping secrets from them. Most of them gave us “We’re happy it’s made such a positive impact on your marriage…we don’t really need to hear details,” and left it at that. Which was fine. A few simply drifted away. Which is certainly sad, but for the first time in our lives we felt like we were whole people, like we weren’t hiding anymore. From ourselves, the world, from religion, from oppression. We knew who we were for the first time, new sexual beings in the universe, discovering what hedonism has to offer, and we liked it.

What we soon came to realize is that a lot of people don’t know that swinging still exists. For the public at large swinging conjures 1977, key parties, wife swapping, days before AIDS. The bygone artifacts of what the love generation of the 60s became when they grew up. And who’s to blame them? What indications do they really have that swinging is alive and well? The only non-monogamy ever talked about in mainstream media is the ubiquitous threesome that all guys want and all sitcom women like to tempt their men with so they can laugh about it over cosmos later. There’s only one mainstream media example and it was set in the 70s. “Swingtown,” a 19 episode series cut down because CBS wasn’t ready to be HBO. (And I highly recommend picking that one up)

So, you have a general population where an estimated 1 in 70 are swingers. (Statistic pulled out of my ass after reading a bunch of books on swingers, I believe it came from The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers by Terry Gould…but incidentally, since so many swingers deal with the shame, all statistics involving them are meaningless, so I could just invent numbers…like bajillion) Then you have a small small chunk who knows about those swingers. Then you have those who’re shocked and appalled and implore you to please think of the children! But you have a majority of the population that’s blissfully unaware.

These are the interesting folk to me. While a portion of them would slide into the shocked category, some would ask: ”Really?” I’d want to answer that question with a strong “Yes,” and a smile. A wink. A comforting squeeze on the shoulder. Something to reassure them that we do exist, that these thoughts they’ve been having about that couple they have over for drinks every once in a while aren’t evil. That there is possibility of extramarital fun without cheating.

I’m sure, should swinging be thrust suddenly into national consciousness there’d be all sorts of bible thumping and wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth talking about the sanctity of marriage. Movie stars can live crazy hedonistic lifestyles and we find it glamorous, but if the couple down the street does, well, that’s just….a dirty shame. So, they’d go on and on about how what we’re doing violates the sanctity of marriage while they’re off lying and cheating to fuck people outside their relationships.

I can’t help but think we’re better than them.

We acknowledge our imperfections, our lusts, and we share that with our partners. A study revealed that, promised they’d never get caught, 74% of men and 68% of women would have an affair. (I actually have a citation on this one… http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html though in fairness, they don’t have a citation) That should be shocking to anyone who doesn’t already think we weren’t meant to be monogamous.

So we spread the good word. We are evangelical. That’s part of the bonus of being open with your social circle is people will come to you and ask how it works and if it might work for them. You can give them honest, open, and reasoned advice about it. The beautiful thing is when you’re no longer afraid to talk about sex, people will go out of their way to ask you, because they often have no one else. What people want to hear more than anything else are the words:

“Don’t worry. It’s okay.”

About Cooper Beckett:
Cooper Beckett's life isn't like other people's. When he's not writing or podcasting at Life on the Swingset, he's living it up with his wife Marilyn as evangelical swingers, spreading the good word that "sharing is caring." He truly believes that a good many people would be open to exploring the fringe of human sexuality, knocking down the borders between orientations, and experiencing the most basic of human rights: great sex, if only they were told it's okay to do so. He has resolved to change the world, even if it's only one couple at a time. Be his friend on Facebook – Follow him on Twitter
  • aplusjforfun

    I really enjoyed the article and I hope that one day we are able to come a little more out of the swining closet. Do to our chosen professions, we are kind of stuck in the closet for the time being, but we do have some friends that know. The friends I am able to tell about it I definatly try to spread the good word!

  • http://www.lifeontheswingset.com Cooper

    I think we're approaching a critical mass, where we can no longer be ignored as a group…and we're not really asking for anything except don't fire us for being swingers…really, that should be a fairly easy hurdle!

  • http://profiles.google.com/wandk2010 Wren S

    We don’t feel shame — W felt more shame being a cheater — coming out as a poly-swinger was, for him, a catharsis – a re-birth where the world is now in colour, it all makes sense and life is good.

    K is still closeted somewhat mostly due to family concerns. R is out at work (because she and W work together) and closeted with family.

    It’s very freeing to lose the shame — being closeted does NOT translate to being ashamed or embarrassed of your chosen sexual niche.

    Through the process of coming out, R and I have educated 50+ people in the realities of swinging, open relationships, consensual non-monogamy and ethical sluttery. We can only hope that some of those 50+ will embrace the knowledge and let their hair down a little. Some will cling to their religious or societal perceptions that continue to make sluttery a dirty thing. But at least all of them have had it explained to them, their questions answered.

    And that’s what evangelism is all about. Live it, explain it and then let them make their own decisions.

  • Kimmy

    Interesting

    Hubby and I come from a family that either put the “dis” or the “fun” in disfunctional maybe both. Mom and Dad are old “free love hippies” from the sixties who swapped mates after we were conceived. Each of us grew up in a house with the other’s father. And we share four half siblings. Plus our dad’s each had a few others.

    We grewup with our parents swapping with old friends. When I got pregnant, I was not sure if my BF at the time, Hubby’s older brother, or future Hubby was the father.

    I got the bi fever in my early twenties. And our families didn’t think much about it. Nor did we when our daughters got the fever in their late teens.

    We don’t put our lifestyle out there , nor do we hide the facts. And we have had a few newbees join us in activities.

  • Victoria

    You say you have escaped the shame that a lot of swingers feel. Shame? A lot of swingers?Seriously? Where did you read this? Where are all these shame filled swingers hiding out? I have NEVER met active swingers that are feeling shame over their hobby of casual sex with others and I have met many over the past 8 years…and I hope I never run into them!

    How un-sexy would that be to play with someone who was ashamed of their actions. I believe they really have no business even attempting to swing if they are feeling shame or need outside “approval” from their friends.family coworkers etc. to feel ok about swinging.

    Swinging is not for everyone.

    Swingers are not better than non-swingers.

    Swingers do not keep their sexual activities secret because of shame…we could care less about what other non swingers feel about us. Repeat..we could care less about what others think about swinging.

    Swinging and evangelizing is NOT a good combination. We do not have to evangelize swinging-it is 100% better if curious couples discover it on their own and take their own path that is right for them as a couple when they are both ready and willing. Swinging information can be found easily if they do desire-swinging is more accessible than ever thanks to the internet-let them find it on their own! If swinging was a church/religion -I believe it would be more like the kind of church/religion that does not evangelize and allows new people to find them on their own terms. Pushing swinging down the unexpecting person is not cool..and could even do more damage to the reputation of swinging. Evangelizing swinging could also bring couples in that are not ready or doing it for the wrong reasons. Could lead to increased drama-what we try and avoid like the plague when swinging.

    Relax and enjoy the fun with your partner..no need to convert or get approval from others for what you do in your bedroom..or in group play rooms!