Life Takes Another Turn… – Polyamory and Communication
So we make it to October. There’s a nip in the air, days are crisp, nights are becoming downright cold — perfect temperatures for wrapping yourself around a lover and warming things up to a more comfortable temperature, as in “naked cuddles and sexy time.”
Not that there’s been a lot of that going on, the last few weeks. Alas, Joe and I and the BF have all been hit with horrid colds for weeks now and to add to the fun, both of them have been buried under loads of work-stress. In addition to a few other things, it’s been a frankly fucking rotten fall so far and I WAS looking forward to things finally settling down and getting back to the good things in life: which for me is enjoying my menz, friends, family and work.
Joe and I got through everything of course, as we always do — together — and are fine. We had a wedding over the weekend to attend which was a good time and spent the evening glammed up, dancing together and hanging with our loved ones, finally doing something FUN, including a very sexy slow dance that probably scandalized a few family members.
He went all “sexy young Pacino” on me in a gorgeous new suit and I went all retro in a long blue vintage gown with glittery silver high heels, or “Cinderella Goes Porno,” as I like to call it.
Next on my “Fucking Finally” list was an evening with the boyfriend, A, now that we’re all beginning to feel better, when lo and behold, where did he go?? A fell out of touch for days, a most unusual thing, and just when I’d painfully written him off as yet another asshole without the balls to break up (which would have been completely out of the blue because as far as I know, things have been fine) he checked in, apologized and said he’s going through some personal shit, has gone into full retreat mode from the world in general.
Yes, I’ve known for some time there are things in his life he’s not happy about. As our relationship progressed and moved past the “Best Behaviour” stage, he’s opened up to me more about what they are but also swore up and down that I’M one of the things that helps him get through. This is the guy who went to Cuba for two weeks with a rich, single buddy and spent his last week there bitching he was still THERE — away from me. Our relationship has been fun, relaxing, affectionate, with good communication and honestly. I eased him into dating a poly chick “very well” (he said) and also made sure to get it out there that polyamory also applies to him. He too gets to see other people, so long as he’s honest with me and tells me. We’re both fully aware I’ll never really be “his” and there is only so much I can offer him. He seemed to accept it and has said a bunch of times that, given his work schedule, he wouldn’t have time for a full-time monogamous relationship right now anyway and wasn’t looking for anyone else. What we had seemed perfect for us both: a couple of days a week together, with good companionship and fun with someone sweet. And damn sexy.
Now? Hell if I know. I’ll be there for him if I can, but at the same time, it’s pretty hard when someone withdraws from you completely. It’s not my nature to force myself on anyone or go where I don’t feel I’m wanted. And I can’t ignore the possibility that maybe he really IS just another chickenshit pulling The Fade on me.
Yes: trust issues. Yes: blow me. What beautiful fucking planet are you from that trust is automatic and not earned?
In other news, Joe maintains a very close friendship with L, the chick he was dating before. Things had reached a point between them where she finally admitted that despite their connection and her understanding of our polyamorus state, she’s looking for a man of her own. Ultimately, he can’t be that man. Our version of poly does not include the possibility of adding other life partners to our household. We just don’t see taking it that far, no matter how much we come to feel for our other lovers. It’s possible we should more accurately describe ourselves as having an open relationship but I don’t like the “swinger” connotation. All too often, as it is, we are assumed to be just ramming around, fucking whichever random asshole twitches his or her pants our way.
So, here we are again. It’s just life and the people in it are the variables that make it better, worse, or indifferent. We all try to do the best we can, with what we have, as honestly as possible and hope others offer the same in return. Duplicity and games, and the effort required to employ them confuse the shit out of me. Life is complicated enough without actively trying to make it so. I don’t get it. Maybe I’m oversimplifying human relationships, but let’s be honest: some people really overcomplicate them.