Nerves & Dysfunction

Women have it easy.

That’s right, I said it.  The prevailing notion is that a man can and will fuck anything presented to him, (and, to be fair, some men CAN and WILL) but in the lifestyle there are a few added stressors that can make that stereotype a bit less…possible.  Uh oh, settle in, Cooper’s talking ED.

Well, look at it from our perspective here for a moment.  My wife (or partner), even if she’s not 100% into it, or is feeling a bit self conscious, or nervous, with some lube and a few well timed moans, she can perform exactly as expected.  Not that I’m suggesting she SHOULD fake it, I’m just saying that she CAN.

We can’t, really…

And for a lot of us, especially those new to the group sex experience, especially those who have been monogamous for a long time…well…things don’t always function as well as we’d like.  After all, there’s another guy there with another cock, and this is often a VERY new experience indeed.  Then assume that guy is performing the way you wish you could be.  And then (perhaps the biggest hurdle of all) assume he’s doing this with your wife while you sit on the other side of the bed with a gorgeous woman you desperately WANT to please with a very unimpressive flaccid shorty hanging between your legs.

You know, hypothetically, of course.

I’ve been told by (and believe) several women in the lifestyle when they say that as long as the man (and his tongue and fingers) are willing to overcome this minor inconvenience, well, they’re pleased as punch.  And I believe them when they say this.

But I don’t think women quite understand the psychological feedback loop we can find ourselves in.  It happens once, then next time we worry if it’ll happen again, which of course makes it that much more likely, then after another time or two the doomsday scenario appears where we begin to wonder if we’ll EVER get it hard with a playmate again.  Seriously, this goes through our heads!

The first thing we have to acknowledge as men in the lifestyle is that our cocks WILL fail us.  It’s a fact of life.  Could be this time, next time, or in five years, regardless of health or masturbatory regimen.  And it may fail us in the erection (aka, classic failure) or it may decide fuck all you want, no orgasm for you! (aka, new and surprising insanity.)

These things can be medical, to be sure, and if they’re happening in ALL situations, not just lifestyle ones, you should definitely schedule a visit with your doctor to be poked and prodded. For many of us, though, it’s a situation where I’m fine with my wife, and when I take matters into my own hands, but when you add the swingset…

My message to the guys is simple: know that it happens, and not only to you.  Know that worrying only reinforces that feedback loop, and as hard as this may be, relaxing is often the cure.  Also know that it will probably just pass on its own.

For the ladies, well, I’ve got a tip or two for ya.  When dealing with this situation, we’re probably going to apologize, because we feel as though we’ve let you down.  (You know how fragile we men can be.) Just make sure we know you’re having fun regardless, and perhaps direct our face between your legs.  Often, while we’re working on something else and aren’t thinking about our neurosis, it resolves itself.

We KNOW that most of you have far more orgasms through oral sex than penetrative sex, but that societal definition that has turned SEX into only cocks going into holes  (I say holes so as not to exclude the bis and gays.  Hi, guys!) has made us really second guess your urges.  While for you, the main course may well be us licking your lap.

Now, to the topic of…assistance.  Prescription pills like Viagra and Cialis as well as those herbal supplements like Stiff Nights can and do help.  And one of these can be great for breaking the feedback loop and popping that boner when you really need a “win.”  But if you don’t NEED them, then you want to be careful you don’t set yourself up for dependency by taking them every time.  Then you might create a brand new feedback loop.  So tread lightly.

Now, those of you who complain about men who can’t always get it up, and put on your profiles that you’re looking for men who can get and maintain an erection…go fuck yourself!  You’re part of the problem.

Anybody have any other suggestions to help overcome this inconvenient issue?  Let us know in the comments!